Early Dusk
With Some Patches Of Cloud and Maybe Some Drizzle But Probably Not
But Perhaps Just A Little
Like Enough To Get Damp
By: Erica Sardi
Back Story
It was a lazy summer day as Alyssa, Erica, and Hannah lounged by the pool of their 10 million dollar mansion paid for entirely by drug trafficking. Don’t judge, this economy is rough yo.
Erica winked at the nearby pool boy who looked suspiciously like Henry Cavill and then sniffed the air, “Do you smell that?”
Hannah and Alyssa both took off their Grandma-Vintage-Style and Marc Jacobs sunglasses, respectively, and looked over at Erica.
Hannah replied curtly (she didn’t like being interrupted during intensive sunbathing), “What.”
Erica grinned. “It’s the sweet smell of success!” And then she started chuckling.
Hannah and Alyssa didn’t laugh. At all. Because it wasn’t funny. Ever since Erica made a lot of cash, she seemed to think that everything she said was funny. Like, if she looked at a fence post and was like, “Hey look at that fence post! The paint is chipping off!” She would think it the height of hilarity and expect Alyssa and Hannah to laugh as well.
Well they got tired of laughing. So they put back on their sunglasses and Hannah muttered, “Sleep with one eye open” under her breath, as she was wont to do.
One by one the girls fell into a collective doze, resting up for a night of clubbing and general wanton behavior.
Basically, the girls had it all: looks, money, house, social life, pool boys who may or may not be abducted Henry Cavills. They were missing just one thing.
Edward Cullen.
See how I didn’t say love? Or boyfriends? I bet you were waiting for that. I bet you think this is going to be a love story, but if you’re thinking that well guess what - YOU’RE WRONG. Or maybe I’m playing with you; maybe this is a story about love. Who knows!
Either way. Love involved or not. Edward Cullen, according to the world and Stephanie Meyer, apparently is the perfect boyfriend or whatever, so the three girls who had everything needed to have him. It’s not like the girls even really liked the books featuring Edward (well maybe one did), it’s not like they thought Edward was that super hot (what’s up with his eyes? why do they change color? wouldn’t that be distracting? like you’d be talking to him and one moment BAM! they’re gold. that’s just weird and unacceptable), it wasn’t that they thought he had a good personality, hell no - do you know how interesting a conversation with Edward Cullen is? NOT VERY INTERESTING. That’s the answer.
No.
The reason they needed him is because everyone else wanted him. And that’s how the world works. You get things to spite others. Ask anybody. Why do something to make yourself happy? Only pussies do that.
The girls had decided about a month ago that this Edward Cullen thing had to happen, but honestly, their life was too full of awesomeness to make it happen. And there’s a big difference between had and make. Ok, that sentence didn’t make any sense but let’s just pretend it was something genuinely profound and meaningful and move on.
But today, Alyssa stirred after the doze… was she having a dream? Or perhaps… a NIGHTMARE?
No, it was a dream.
Edward was speaking to her. He said, “Alyssa my darling, my love, my dove, oooh that rhymed, I’m so smart, well of course I’m smart, I’m an Adonis, I’m perfect, wait… what was I saying? Oh right, Alyssa. You’re Alyssa? K, just checking. Lots of names rolling around in this perfect head of mine, under this perfect hair, beyond those perfectly arched eyebrows and pearly white skin… wait, hold on, I know I wanted to say something. Oh ok, I got it back. Come to Forks. Take the red-haired one and the emo one with you. It’ll be a good time. Trust.”
And then he was gone in a poof. A SPARKLY POOF OF SPARKLES.
Alyssa woke up and looked over at her two friends. She wondered why Edward thought Hannah was emo for a moment but shrugged it off. Ok, she thought to herself, maybe clubbing can be put off for another night. Tonight, THEY LEAVE FOR FORKS! AND IT WILL BE TOTALLY THE BEST TIME EVER!
Alyssa then realized she had been yelling in her head and decided to actually yell out loud.
“HEY! Red-haired girl! Emo girl! We’re going to Forks tonight! AND IT WILL BE TOTALLY THE BEST TIME EVER!”
Hannah woke up. “I’m not emo.”
“To each their own.”
“But I’m not.”
“Denial is the first step.”
“Of what?”
“I don’t know… death? Or is it Alcoholics Anonymous?”
“I don’t think it’s either. I don’t think denial is a first step for anything.”
Erica woke up. “Why are you calling me red-haired girl? Don’t you know my hair’s orange?” And then she started laughing.
Hannah glared at her. “That isn’t funny.”
“It kind of is.”
“NO.”
“You know what else is funny?”
“What?”
“Your face.”
This time, both Erica and Alyssa laughed.
But Alyssa regrouped. She had to convince these two that tonight was the night to travel to Forks without sounding like a crazy person.
“So listen up guys. Edward Cullen spoke to me in a dream and he was all like, “Come to Forks” so we need to go to Forks.”
Hannah frowned. “You sound like a crazy person.”
“You LOOK like a crazy person,” Erica added, laughing.
“Who are you talking about? Me or Alyssa?”
“Why would I make fun of Alyssa? She’s not emo.”
“I’M NOT EMO!”
“You know what Alyssa, let’s you and I go and leave the emo one here.”
Alyssa pondered that for a moment. “We can’t. Edward said for me to bring both of y’all.”
Yeah, she just said “y’all”. It happens.
Hannah got all huffy. “Well I don’t know how you’re going to make me. There’s a big difference between had and make.”
Alyssa and Erica both stared at Hannah. Her last sentence made no sense, but they realized she believed it to be profound and meaningful.
Desperately searching for what would make Hannah come on the soon-to-be epic journey, Alyssa decided on a surefire winner.
“I will buy you peach rings for life.”
“Done.”
And with that, Hannah was already inside the 10 million dollar mansion packing her best plaid.
Erica smiled at Alyssa, “That was easy peasy!”
Alyssa groaned.
Fast Forward An Hour To The Present
So the three girls take their private jet to the Forks municipal airport. Alyssa gets out of the jet first and looks around.
“Fuck it’s green.”
Erica gets out next wearing some sort of fur cap.
“Green is as green do.”
Hannah gets out last and is more disturbed by Erica’s fur accessory than anything.
“Erica, are you aware of the fact there’s a skunk on your head?”
Erica turns around and says matter-of-factly, “It’s Tom Hank’s hair piece from The Da Vinci Code.”
There’s not enough time to figure out if Erica was kidding or not because the next thing that occurs is a TORRENTIAL DOWNPOUR.
The girls make a run for the airport. Erica slips but the ground is so watery she ends up sliding into the terminal feet first going, “whhheeeeeeeee!”
Alyssa and Hannah trudge into the terminal after her, completely drenched. Hannah looks at her hair.
“UGH! THIS IS AWFUL!”
Alyssa checks out her own hair situation as well and it isn’t pretty either.
Then, they both glance over at Erica as she takes off Tom Hank’s hairpiece from The Da Vinci Code. She shakes out her perfectly conditioned and shiny hair and does an impromptu Pantene Pro-V commercial on the spot. Hannah sighs despondently.
“I should have worn a skunk.”
“Life is full of regret. You’re lucky you’ve only had 20 or so years to regret things. Try more than that. TRY IMMORTALITY.”
The three girls look around. Who the fuck was that? The voice is heard again, from above. “Those on flight 414, please proceed to Gate 38.”
The girls decide not to worry about it. This is Forks. Crazy shit like that happens all the time.
They exit the airport. There is no limo waiting for them. This is very odd. They have no idea how to deal with a situation wholly absent of luxury.
Hannah turns to Alyssa, “How are we supposed to get to the hotel?”
“What hotel?”
“YOU DIDN’T BOOK A HOTEL?”
“Well, in my mind I kind of imagined getting here and Edward would greet us and he’d just come back to LA.”
“REALLY.”
“Yeah.”
“THAT’S STUPID.”
“It is. But at least I’m not speaking in all caps like a loon.”
“Fine. I’ll tone it down a little. Where are we supposed to stay?”
Erica chimes in, “How about the forest?”
She doesn’t laugh after that, which throws Alyssa and Hannah off a little.
“I’m being serious. I mean, couldn’t it be fun? Camping out?”
As she says that, lightening strikes. Twice. In the same place. In the forest. On a tree. And the tree falls with a resounding crash.
“Yeah…” Hannah says with the slightest hint of sarcasm, “Super fun.”
“Maybe Edward will come save us.” Erica looks at them in a looking-at way.
Hannah is losing her patience. “Why the fuck would he do that?”
Alyssa thinks about it. “Well. He does have a predilection for saving damsels in distress.”
“Yeah but the damsels are usually not DEAD before he gets to them which is what we would be if we stayed in the DAMN FOREST!” Hannah storms back into the airport. Alyssa calls after her.
“Peach rings! For liiiiiiiiffffeeeee!”
Hannah stops. ‘Tis the moment of truth. Ever so slowly she turns back around and walks toward them.
“Ok. Let’s head into the Forest of Doom.”
“I don’t think it’s called that-“
“SHUT UP ERICA.”
The intrepid three head into the Forest of Doom (technical name or not, that’s what it’s gonna be from now on regardless). Hannah prays. Erica giggles (no one’s sure why). Alyssa looks around for Edward.
Soon they reach a clearing. It’s a clearing because the lightening has evidently cleared away any foliage there prior. The rain has reached a fervor pitch with no signs on letting up.
Hannah is not happy. “I’m going to get pneumonia.”
No one says anything to that. It’s probably true.
Erica asks, “Where is he?”
“I DON’T KNOW ERICA. WHERE IS HE? IT WAS YOUR IDEA TO GO INTO THE FOREST OF DOOM!”
Alyssa, stepping in as the mediator, says very calmly, “We should get in mortal danger. Then he’ll come save us.”
“WHAT ARE WE IN NOW? SEMI-MORTAL DANGER?”
“Hannah, let’s tone down the caps again. Well, I think… if maybe we could try to get hit by a truck - that’d work.”
“A truck? In the forest?”
“HOLY SHIT! There’s a truck!” Erica yells out.
Alyssa and Hannah together: “THAT’S NOT FUNNY!”
But then, they all hear a loud series of honks and a flash of headlights barreling at them through the trees! They’re doomed!
But then, out of nowhere, a dark figure zooms by and scoops them all up, flying across the forest, jumping onto a tree, and depositing them on a large, sturdy branch.
“Don’t worry,” the dark figure tells them. “You’re safe now.”
The large (previously sturdy) branch breaks. The three shell-shocked girls go flying in different directions, screams of bloody murder reverberating through the forest of doom. The dark figure needs to make a choice and goes with the girl he thinks might be the most charmingly clumsy and emo.
So of course he saves Hannah, grabbing her en route to the forest floor. He gently paces her down and then sees Alyssa coming towards him. He jumps up and catches her mid-air, tossing her rather unceremoniously to the forest floor as well.
“Ooof!”
He looks around. Where’s the red-headed one? He uses his super keen super senses and realizes she’s coming right toward them… riding… on a DEER!
She hops off and pets it. “Thank you, thank you for saving my life. Hey guys — look at this awesome deer I found. Her name is-“
Yeah, no one finds out the name of the magical deer because next thing Erica knows, the dark figure is goring the magical deer with HIS MOUTH. Blood spurts everywhere, deer meat going hither and yon (is that an actual phrase? i’m pretty sure it is), and all that’s left is a dead deer carcass.
The dark figure turns around and wipes his mouth. The moon breaks through the clouds and the rain for a moment and the three girls see that the dark figure is none other than… EDWARD CULLEN!
Ok, who saw that one coming? No one right? Because I was super subtle with how I was describing him, right? A+ writing skillz: I haz them.
Anyways, the girls all gasp and stuff. Well Alyssa and Hannah gasp. Erica is still dumbfounded that her magical deer friend ended up being Edward’s evening snack.
“Wow…” Alyssa whispered. “You are perfect.”
But Edward has eyes only for Hannah. He reaches out his hand to her face, almost touching, but not quite. It’s really awkward. Finally, Hannah breaks the silence.
“Uh, what are you doing?”
Edward answers readily. “I can’t touch you because if I do, then I don’t know what I’ll do, if you know what I mean.”
“What… do you mean?”
“The smell of your blood. It’s intoxicating.”
“Huh.”
“It’s smells like… burnt rubber.”
Erica chortles. Hannah ignores her.
“Burnt rubber? How on earth is burnt rubber intoxicating?”
“It’s really delicate burnt rubber.”
“I don’t think burnt rubber could ever be described as delicate. That would be like describing Michael Jackson as normal.”
Edward’s hand has been up this entire time, btw. Hannah tries to slyly move away.
“Don’t.” Edward warns her. “You’ll trip and fall because you’re so charmingly clumsy.”
“Look dude,” Alyssa interrupts. “First of all, if anyone’s clumsy here it’s Erica. She totally tripped at the airport and slid into the terminal feet-first. Second, YOU came to ME in MY dream. Why are you all over Hannah? You referred to her as the “emo one.”
Edward bristles at this. “I never said that.”
“Did too.”
“Did not.”
“Did too.”
“Did not infinity!”
“Did too DOUBLE INFINITY!”
“DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?”
“Well,” Alyssa turns to Hannah, “He does have your affinity for all caps.”
Erica jumps in. “You’re Edward Cullen!”
“NO, YES, NO, WELL YES BUT I’M ALSO A KILLER!”
He tears up a tree root and yells, “YAAARRR!!!”
Suddenly, the rain stops, the sun bursts through (Alyssa mutters to herself, “didn’t we just see the moon?” but then decides not to worry about it), and the sparkly sparkliness of Edward’s skin dazzles the three girls.
“Wow.” Hannah looks at it. “That may be the gayest thing I’ve ever seen.”
“THIS IS THE SKIN OF A KILLER!”
“More like the skin of a drag queen.”
Both Alyssa and Hannah snicker and then stop. Did Erica just make an amazing joke? Yes, yes she did. But then she ruins it by saying, “A drag queen like a queen who drags herself around! Like… a lazy queen!”
Edward narrows his eyes at her. “You just made that joke really unfunny by going on a tangent.”
“Psh,” Erica responded. “Everyone knows I’m a comic genius.”
Alyssa and Hannah avert their eyes and kick at the twigs on the ground.
Edward doesn’t let it go. “No, no you really aren’t. I’ve been around.”
“For how long?”
“A while.”
For some reason, all the girls unwittingly got shivers down their spines.
“Yeah, well you wouldn’t know comedy if it kicked you in the face. You ATE a DEER! My MAGICAL deer! YOU ATE BAMBI!”
“SHUT UP BITCH I WAS HUNGRY!”
Alyssa steps forward, “Woo, woo a lot of pent-up anger there.”
“Yeah well. I’m 104 and still a virgin so I’ve got a lot of pent-up stuff if you know what I mean. And Bella here, I mean Hannah, wait… maybe Hannahbelle? That has a nice ring it. Anyways, only she can help me out with it, ya know.”
Alyssa is freaking a little bit. “But you came to me in a dream!!! ME!”
Hannah nods. “Yeah, and I didn’t even really want to fly to Forks to track you down. It was all her.”
“But… but… don’t you guys need me? I’m an Adonis! I’m a killer perfect Adonis! Didn’t you guys decide you needed me because everyone else in the world wanted me?”
Alyssa mulls this over. “Yeah, but honestly, if we needed you that badly we probably would have summoned the energy to track you down like a month ago. I think this was one of those things where you and your group of girlfriends are like, ‘Ooo I’m going to marry so and so’ but you’re not REALLY going to marry so and so, you just like to talk about it.”
Edwards stares at Alyssa. Dumbfounded. Evidently in all his perfectness he still hasn’t managed to figure out girls.
“So…” Alyssa looks at Erica and Hannah. “Shall we get back to the jet?”
“YES.”
“Yes. And I’m reporting you to PETA.”
The first response was Hannah; the second was Erica (if you couldn’t tell).
And so, the three girls left the heartbroken Adonis, killer, lion, perfect, deer-killer, pasty white, vampire Edward Cullen in the Forest of Doom. He looks after them wistfully, tormenting himself over how badly they had broken his heart, and utters the three most poetic words in the history of English vocabulary:
“Fuck my life.”
