After her potentially genius idea, Mortmain is given the side-eye from Blakeney.

Blakeney: That idea is so sublimely stupid I can’t even believe it.

Mortmain: You BETTER believe it girlfriend.

Blakeney: Please don’t call me girlfriend ever again.

Mortmain: Too late…. GIRLFRIEND.

Blakeney: Sleep with one eye open.

Mortmain: YOU sleep with one eye CLOSED!

Blakeney and Mortmain are dangerously close to a fisticuffs-at-dawn-type-situation, so Holmes intercedes.

Holmes: Look, why don’t we give Mortmain the chance to explain herself?

Blakeney’s bangs fall emo-ly over her right eye and she huffs and puffs a little and mutters “she thought the musketeers were robin hood.”  Eventually (after like five minutes of this), she gives in.  Blakeney and Holmes sit down as Mortmain starts firing up a PowerPoint.  Blakeney turns and whispers to Holmes,

Blakeney: When did she have time to make a PowerPoint?

Holmes: She’s unemployed.  What else would she do with her time?

Blakeney: But she just came up with it like two seconds ago.

Mortmain coughs, alerting her two comrades to the fact that the PowerPoint is about to start.  She clicks the clicky-thing and the first slide is a badly photo-shopped picture from the Charlie Sheen version of The Three Musketeers with the triumvirate’s faces in place of Charlie Sheen, Kiefer Sutherland, and Oliver Platt.  Next to them stands Chris O’Donnell.  As D’Artagnan.

Blakeney: You know, I’ve never understood why it’s the “Three Musketeers.”  What is D’Artagnan?  Chopped Liver?

Mortmain: Who says the phrase “What is BLANK?  Chopped Liver?”  anymore?

Blakeney: SLEEP WITH ONE EYE—

Holmes: Ok, ok, simmer down now.  Let’s leave everyone’s eyes alone.

Blakeney quells her rage for the time being.  Mortmain continues.

Mortmain: We should become the modern day three musketeers because…….

Blakeney and Holmes wait with bated breath for Mortmain’s explanation.

Mortmain: ……….

Blakeney and Holmes are at the collective edge of their seats.

Mortmain: ………..

Blakeney and Holmes cup their ears in anticipation of the MOST AMAZING GENIUS EXPLANATION THAT WILL MAKE CLEAR WHY EXACTLY THEY NEED TO BE THE MODERN DAY THREE MUSKETEERS.

Mortmain: ……… I’ve always wanted to carry a sword.  And I think their outfits are cool.

Mortmain is met with two blank-stares.

Mortmain: I call being Kiefer Sutherland.  Blakeney, you can be Oliver Platt.

The two blank stares snap out of staring blankly.  Blakeney is too aghast to speak yet, but Holmes manages to cough out a few words.

Holmes: So basically… you want us to be the three musketeers of the modern day for pretty much no reason… at all?

Mortmain: I told you the reason!

Blakeney: The stupidest reason in ALL THE WORLD!  You don’t even know THEIR NAMES, you just know the DAMN ACTORS!  And we could just GET swords!  Musketeers actually do stuff, like protect the king and uncover conspiracies and whatnot!

Holmes: Well, why don’t we let Mortmain show us the rest of the slides?

Mortmain: There are no other sides.

Blakeney: THEN WHY THE HELL DID YOU EVEN MAKE A POWER POINT?!

Mortmain: Why not?

Blakeney: GAH.

Blakeney storms out of the room.  Mortmain looks at Holmes quizzically.

Mortmain: Why is she so angry and emo all the time?

Holmes: Couldn’t say.

Mortmain: I think because it’s funny.

Holmes: To… who?

Mortmain: I don’t know.  But I feel like if we were on a blog and people were reading about us, they’d think Blakeney getting angry and emo all the time would be funny.

Holmes: That’s a ridiculous hypothetical.

Mortmain: Yeah.  I don’t know what made me think of it.

Mortmain kind of stands there, feeling awkward and unloved, not sure what to do.  Her idea has been rejected; her dream shattered… the shards of it lying around her feet.

[That was a metaphor, fyi.  Her dream isn’t actually shattered, nor is it lying around her feet.  Sometimes writers use “metaphors” to make their stories more interesting, but this one was so subtle, so much like a Stephanie Meyer metaphor, that I thought someone might get confused.  Because, and I don’t know if anyone besides me realized this - but Edward isn’t ACTUALLY a lion and Bella isn’t ACTUALLY a lamb. I was confused about that FOREVER until I had a breakthrough and I was like, “well if Stephanie had just EXPLAINED it at the time, then I wouldn’t have been wondering for MONTHS why Edward wasn’t locked up in a zoo and why on earth there would be interspecies love between a lion and lamb in a vampire story!” Also, why don’t vampires have fangs in the book?  That just seems silly.]

Holmes attempts to comfort Mortmain and her failed idea.

Holmes: That was a horrible idea of yours.

Mortmain: It felt so right at the time.

Holmes: Sometimes horrible ideas do.  Like a fourth Terminator with Christian Bale.  You think, this is going to FUCKING ROCK MY SOCKS.  And then you get McG to direct it.  And then it all falls apart.  But I’m sure it felt right at the time.

Suddenly, and all of sudden, a PIERCING SCREAM is heard from the room adjacent to the room Holmes and Mortmain are in.  Flying like those flying monkeys from The Wizard of Oz…

[Again, that’s a metaphor.  They aren’t really the flying monkeys.  Hopefully you all will get the hang of this.]

… Mortmain and Holmes hurl themselves into said adjacent room.  They find Blakeney looking, white-faced, at their HD Flat Screen Television.  On the TV is Zachary Quinto’s face and speaking over it is the newscaster.

Newscaster: At about 3 AM, Zachary Quinto was stolen out of his home by the nefarious crime group called The Swedish Milkmaids led by the widely feared Valborga.

Holmes: “Valborga?”  Did the newscaster just cough up a hairball?

In answer to this question, a picture of an EVIL LOOKING SWEDISH MILKMAID flashes across the screen.  The triumvirate gasps a gasp of terror.

Blakeney spins around and faces them.

Blakeney: Do you know what this means?!!!  Zachary Quinto, MY Zachary Quinto, has been kidnapped by a SWEDISH MILKMAID!

Holmes: Yep.  I’m pretty sure that’s what it means.

Mortmain: Wait… you have a thing for Zachary Quinto?  I thought he was gay.

Blakeney: SHUT THE FUCK UP ABOUT THAT HE’S NOT GAY.

Mortmain starts humming the tune to “Don’t Stop Believin’” but then Blakeney grabs her by her shoulders.

Blakeney: We HAVE to SAVE HIM!!!

Blakeney’s eyes brim with tears.  Mortmain looks back at Blakeney, then at Holmes.  Holmes looks back at Mortmain, then at Blakeney.  Blakeney looks back at Holmes, then once more at Mortmain.

The edge of Mortmain’s mouth quivers into a half-smile.

Mortmain: This looks like a job for…

Blakeney: oh fuck no.

Mortmain: THE MODERN DAY THREE MUSKETEERS!

Holmes: I feel like we can stop saying “modern day.”

Blakeney digs her [metaphorical] claws into a [metaphorical] branch.

Blakeney: I feel like NO WAY.

Mortmain: You want to save ZQ or not?

It’s an EPIC EYE SHOWDOWN between Mortmain and Blakeney.  One that will probably not end for a while if uninterrupted.  So Holmes makes the choice for them and extends her arm.

Holmes: One For All…

Mortmain beams and extends her arm as well.

Mortmain: All For One…

Blakeney glares at the two of them, but thinks of her love ZQ being held hostage by the evil Valborga, and extends her hand as well.

Blakeney: En Garde Bitches.

It’s a moment of providence… the triumvirate’s destiny being forged… their hands all clasped as one…

Mortmain: Let’s go get us some swords!

Blakeney: Oh LORD.

Next Week: Chapter Two

“HE ISN’T GAY I HATE YOU SO MUCH!”