Once Upon A Time, in a far away land called PeachRingania, there lived two sister princesses: Princess Alyssa and Princess Hannah.

These two princesses lived in harmony and glee, frolicking around and harassing bunnies and pulling rainbows out of the sky to ride them like ponies and whatnot, you know… princess stuff.

Well anyways, everything was pretty great for them.  The villagers wrote songs about their beauty, the young men of the court basically passed out if the princesses passed them (well, that could be due to Princess Hannah’s perfurme), and the castle was perfect for hide-and-go-seek… although the games would run a little long… one time Princess Alyssa hid under the floorboard (how she managed to do that, no one has quite figured out to this day) and Princess Hannah was seeking for a day or so.  The king and queen eventually looked up from lounging on their golden lounge chairs and were like, “Where’s Alyssa…?  Why does Hannah keep walking around in circles?”

Turns out, Princess Alyssa just fell asleep.

But anyways, totally got on a tangent there about the hide-and-go-seek.  What this story is about is the day Princess Alyssa and Princess Hannah woke up to the sun shining, the birds chirping, the maids bringing in croissants and baklava, and… the queen telling them:

“So… you guys are 16. Time for you to get married.”

And then she left.

Alyssa turned to Hannah, very perplexed, and said, “Married?  But I thought only our Princess Barbies and Princess Kens got married?”

Hannah was befuddled by this as well and yelled, “But I’m still going through puberty! GOD!” And then stormed out of the room to go write some poetry.

Alyssa muttered “emo” under her breath and went back to bed.

Later in the day, Alyssa woke up and went to the balcony.  She looked down into the gardens and saw Hannah doing some interpretive dancing.  Alyssa rolled her eyes and wondered when Hannah suddenly became an annoying teenager.  She figured she should get dressed, go frolic around a bit with the bunnies, and then maybe make sure this whole “getting married” business was just a dream.

When she walked through the castle she realized that all the servants were hurrying around, preparing stuff, dusting, chiseling ice sculptures, carving 10-foot-statues of the princesses, the usual.  Well, actually everything was usual except for the dusting, so she knew something was up.

Alyssa journeyed to her mother’s quarters.  The queen was lazing on her golden lounge chair, drinking “apple juice”, and telling the hunk with the fan to fan faster.  Alyssa approached her.

“Hey… mom… you were kidding about the getting married thing, right?”

The queen opened one eye and looked at Alyssa, “Nope.”

Then she closed her eye and took another sip of “apple juice.”  Alyssa wasn’t through though.

“But mother… we aren’t mature enough to be married! Hannah is interpretive dancing in the gardens!”

“Oh, I’m sure Prince Balthazor will love her dancing.”

“Prince Balthazor?! Her husband is alreading picked out for her?”

“Duh. And yours is his brother, Prince Balthazora.  Here, I have pictures.”  The queen showed Alyssa two pictures, both of equally ugly princes.

Alyssa cringed at the amount of ugliness on display.  “Balthazora? That sounds like the female version of Balthazor.”

“I know. It does. Pity Hannah got the better one.” And then the queen cackled, enjoying how acerbic she’s been able to remain throughout the years without even really trying.  Then, after she calmed down with the laughing, she opened both eyes at Alyssa and said, “They’re the Princes of BlackLicoriceland, they’ll be a good time, don’t worry too much about it.  The engagment ball is tonight, the ceremony tomorrow, be there or be square Hanyssa.”

“Mom.. you’re meshing our names again.”

“Whatever.  Leave me.  I need to drink some more “apple juice” and spend some quality time with fanboy.

Princess Alyssa was distraught and went to go find Princess Hannah, who was (as we’ve established twice) interpretive dancing in the gardens.  At the moment, Hannah was curling up in a ball, so Alyssa kicked her.

“OW!” Hannah yelled and stood up, her face red. “I WAS BEING A FETUS!”

Alyssa just looked at her.  “… Why?”

Hannah swished her bangs.  “You wouldn’t understand.”  But then she perked up, “Hey! You want to go frolic with the bunnies?”

Alyssa wondered if Prince Balthazor would mind a bipolar wife, but said, “Look, Hannah, there isn’t going to be ANY more frolicking with bunnies.  We have to marry the Princes of BlackLicoriceland.”

Hannah made a face.  “Ew. I hate BlackLicoriceland.”

“Have you ever been there?”

“No. But who likes Black Licorice?”

“Ok, anyways, we need to find a way out of this.  We can’t be married at 16!”

“What’s your brilliant plan then?”

“Well, why don’t we check with our fairy Godmother?”

“Who? Erica? She’s batshit.”

“Yeah I know, but she also does magic.”

“Whatevs. Do what you want. I’m going to go try out potential wedding dresses.  Do they make them in the color of MY TEARS?”

And with that, Hannah skipped back to the castle, trampling on a couple bunnies (the bunnies are EVERYWHERE, fyi, just imagine a sea of bunnies).

So Alyssa calls on Erica, the fairy godmother.  “Oh Erica, you super beautiful, amazing and talented godmother, please come down here and help us!”

Suddenly, a burst of FIRE burst out from within the ground (killing a couple bunnies, but it happens) and Erica, with FLAMING RED AMAZING HAIR appeared, and sauntered over to Alyssa.

“What’s up, yo?”

Alyssa sighed.  “Well our mother is making us marry these two super ugly princes with bad names from BlackLicoriceland.”

Erica examined her nails, “Sucks to be you.”

“Are you not going to help us?”

Erica stopped examining her nails and brushed a hand through her exquisite red hair.  “Look honey, would you have your panties in such a wad if the two princes were fit?”

Alyssa thought for moment.  “Yes.  We’re 16.”

Erica made an “UUUGGHH” sound and said, “No, I mean ‘fit’ fit.  You know Patrick Wilson and Lee Pace?”

Alyssa, being a princess from PeachRingania, did not know who they were, but in America, millions of girls just swooned.

“Uhh,” Alyssa stammered, “I don’t believe so.”

“Just… here… take these.”  Erica handed Alyssa two vials.  “Slip it into the Prince’s drinks and viola!”

“But.. I’m 16.”

“Doesn’t’ matter.”

“But…”

“Seriously. Patrick Wilson and Lee Pace.  You’ll understand.”

And then a BURST OF FIRE BURST FROM WITHIN THE GROUND (some more dead bunny guts the servants will have to clean up) and Erica was gone.  Alyssa looked down at the vials and knew what had to be done.

At the ball, it was like a sea of color, like the skittles rainbow, like a really colorful monet painting, except… there were two large circles around the princes, who were so ugly, no one wanted to get near them.  In spite of this, everyone kept congratulating the princesses on the FANTASTIC matches.

Hannah was in the corner, writing like a madwomen in her poetry book of teenage angst (that was the actual title).  Alyssa was trying to figure out a way to slip the vials into the princes’ drinks without getting groped by their slimy hands.  Finally, she took an opputunity while the princes were standing by the staircase.  She stood over them, opened the vials, aimed, and prayed.

Thankfully Alyssa had pretty amazing aim, and the liquid went in perfectly.  The princes drank, and then… their skin started changing before their very eyes!!

As soon as Alyssa got down off the staircase, the transformation was over!  Patrick Wilson and Lee Pace were before her in all their glory.  She locked eyes with Lee Pace and boy, was Erica right.  16 is as good a time as any to get hitched!

Hannah even looked up from her poetry for a moment and when she caught Patrick Wilson’s eyes, she dropped it: The book, her emo-ness, everything.  Patrick walked towards her and broke out into a one-man rendition of “Let it go”

And then he started talking his clothes off… which was kind of awkward… but Hannah was ok with it.

And so, with the vials being total a sucess, Princess Hannah and Princess Alyssa were married the next day to Patrick Wilson and Lee Pace, respectively.  Not one person uttered so much as a whisper about the transformation.  No one wanted to jinx it.

The End

Oh and they renamed BlackLicoriceland to SwedishFishland.